How did I come out?

It seems like I've been asked this question a lot latly: how did you come out? So I thought I would address it here, and get it done and over with.

During October of 2008, I was ready to begin coming out to my friends and family. The problem was that I didn't want everyone to know right away. I wanted to come out to just a few people at first. I wasn't ready to tell everyone yet. But I wanted a few people to know. Since my closest friends and I were all over the place, and we rarly saw each other, I decided to send them an e-mail. I sent my four closest friends an e-mail telling them that I am gay. They were perfectly fine with my being gay, and that meant a lot to me simply because it meant that I had support from people that were close to me.

A year later, I was ready to come out to the rest of my friends and my family. On a Tuesday afternoon I decided to check my facebook, and I posted a status update wondering why some things are so hard. I was specifically thinking about how hard it is to find the right words to tell people that you are gay. Within a few minutes I had a response from a friend of mine from a friend of mine, which gave me the idea of how to come out to my friends and family all at once. I posted a status update that said something to the extent of: "Some things are hard so that we learn to overcome. It's time that I said it. I'm gay.". Moments later I had to log off the computer and head to class.

Since then coming out has gotten so much easier. In the last year and a half I've been standing in a line at the store, and a guy behind me asked me out, and I was able to tell him that I'm gay and that no, I don't want to date him. The more times you come out, the easier it gets, and the more confident you become in who you are.

It does get better. Just take your time. Don't expect to come out by a predetermined date. Just come out when YOU are ready, not when someone else is ready for you to do it.

Parents perspective--You're now in the closet

I know parents sometimes will find out that their child is gay/lesbian and go into hiding. And it makes complete sense why you go into hiding. As a parent, you want the best for your child. And now that you know something about your child that is so different from what you've always wanted and hoped for your child, you 've gone into hiding. Don't worry about having gone into hiding. It makes sense why you have. It always takes a long time before you are ready to come out to your friends as a parent of a child who is gay/lesbian.

Think of it this way. Your gay/lesbian child went into hiding after they realized that they were gay/lesbian. They spent a lot of time in that closet playing with those hangers, and trying to figure out how everything fit together to make sense. Your gay/lesbian child had a lot of questions they asked. And once they found the answers to their questions, everything began to make sense and come together. It isn't easy being in the cloest. But after spending some time in the closet, everything begins to make sense.

I literally spent about six to seven years of my life in the closet. And it wasn't the best six to seven years of my life. I was in late middle school/early high school when I went into the closet. My biggest issue was fear. I was scared of how my parents would react when I came out. I was scared of how my friends would react when I came out. I was really scared of the possiblity that nobody would be supportive. And that's something that I lived with for six or seven years. After a while I was no longer scared of the reaction of my friends or family. I had come to realize that no matter how the people around me reacted to my coming out, I would always be the same person I had always been.

Think of it this way: the only difference between now and before you knew your child is gay/lesbian is that you know what sex they are attracted to. Other than that they are the same exact person that they were before.

Don't give up on life just because you are gay/lesbian or because your child is. I know just how many questions you might have about it. But that doesn't mean that you should give up on life. Life will get better. I'm living proof. My life has gotten so much better.

Religion, song lyrics, and sexuality rolled all into one

Ubi Caritas et amor (Maurice Durufle)
Latin Text
Ubi caritas et amor, Debus ibi est.
Congregavit no in unum Christi amor.
Exultemus, et in ipso jucundemur.
Timeamus, et amemus Deum vivum.
Et ext corde diligamus nos sincero.
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Simul ergo cum in unum congreamur:
Cessent iurgia maligna, cessent lites.
Et in medio nostri sit Christus Deus.
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Simul quoque cum beatis videamus,
Glorianter vultum tuum, Christe Deus:
Gaudium quod est immensum, atque
probum, Saecula per infinita saeculorum.
Amen
English Translation:
Where charity and love are, God is there.
Christ's love has gathered us into one. Let us rejoice and be pleased in Him. Let us fear, and let us love the living God.
And may we love each other with a sincere heart.
Where charity and love are, God is there. As we are gathered into one body,
Beware, lest we be divided in mind.
Let evil impulses stop, let controversy cease,
And may Christ our God be in our midst.
Where Charity and love are, God is there.
And may we with the saints also,
See Thy face in glory, O Christ our God:
The joy that is immense and good,
Unto the ages through infinate ages. Amen.

This song was sung at my church a couple of weeks ago by the adult vocal choir. It was aboslutly beautifully sung. But today I want to get into the lyrics of this song because it says something powerful that many Christians that don't think that being gay/lesbian is natural or normal, and/or think that being gay/lesbian is a sin. In the very first line of the song it says that where there is love, that God is there. So, where people love each other, God is there, and that must include gays/lesbians who are in love with each other. There's anouther line that says that "...may we love each other with a sincere heart.". That means everyone. Not just people you agree with. That includes people that you don't nessesarly agree with.

Prayer for Tomorrow
Dreansm we all have dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lord, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.
See our hands, what will they make, Lord?
See our feet, where will they run?
See our hears, who will they love, Lord?
See our lives, we've just begun!
Dreams, we all have dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lord, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.
In our eyes you see tomorrow.
On that day one thing we know:
There's a dream from one who loves us
That is greater than our own.
Dreams, we all have Dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lorrd, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.

We all have dreams that we want to come true. And many times we don't realize (those of us who are religious) how our dreams for our future mesh with what God wants for us. For me, one of my long time dreams has been to be able to marry the person I love with all of my heart. As a little kid, before I "knew" that I am gay, I imagined myself being happy with someone and getting married. Since then I've gone through so much. I've realized that I am gay. I doubted my faith in God. My faith grew again, and became stronger than it was when I was in middle school. And thanks to my faith, and several conversations I have had with other people who have a strong faith, I've come to realize that God made me this way.

Maybe you don't believe in God. Maybe you do. Maybe you think that God doesn't want people to be gay/lesbian. Maybe you think that God made us gay/lesbian for a reason. Whatever you believe/think, do it with conviction. If you believe in God: remember that he created each of us with a purpose, and lovingly, and wants us to love each other. If you don't believe in God: I'm not mad at you for not believing in God, but please understand that my faith has helped me survive the hard times when I felt like life would never get better because of my sexuality.

Accepting yourself

Learning to accept yourself after you realize that you're gay can be rather hard. I know of people who tried anything and everything in their powers to turn themselves straight. Other people hate themselves so much that they want to end it. And yet others are okay with their sexuality, but when they get bullied they want to end it because they just want to be accepted by others. And some people hide in the closet for a period of time, and when they emerge they are fully confident in themselves. Accepting yourself and your sexuality might take a while. It might take you years before you accept yourself and your sexualtiy. Don't be afraid to hide in the closet. Don't be afraid to be proud of yourself. Learn to be yourself, and accept yourself for who you are.

It took me about five years from the time that I really accepted the fact that I was gay and that nothing was going to change it and the time that I fully accepted myself for who I am and my sexuality. Those five years were some of the toughest years of my life, but I survived, and I know anyone else that is in late middle school and high school who is gay and isn't out yet will survive too if you want it enough, and realize that things do get so much better. At first I didn't accept myself because I didn't want to be different--I wanted to date guys like my friends were early in high school. I didn't want to be attracted to girls. But at the same time I knew that there was nothing I could do to change my sexuality. So I was in a rather tight space in my closet. It wasn't fun being so different. But eventually I found myself pround of my difference from my peers. It gave me a strength that I never realized I had. I realized that the fact that I had survived high school as a gay young woman meant that I could be a role model for gay youth. I realized it meant that I wanted to live my life to it's fullest, and that I didn't want to end my life prematurly. It's thanks to my differences that I am the unique person that I am today.

I may not be in a relationship at the moment. But that's okay. Being in a relationship doesn't make me who I am--it's only a small peice of what I see in my future. But I am out. And I am proud of who I am. And nobody can take who I am away from me and tell me that I cannot and should not be who I am because of something that someone believes. What matters is what I believe, and the fact that I believe that I am someone that will eventually be in a realationship, and that someday I will have children and a job.

Prental Reaction

Every parent who finds out that their son or daughter is gay reacts differently. Some parents will disown their gay child because of their belief that being gay is wrong. Some parents will try to turn you straight. Some parents will attempt to convince themselves that their child being gay is just a phase. And some parents will go into hiding for a period of time, and when they emerge from hiding they are pround of their gay child. And yet other parents are accepting and proud of their gay child the moment they find out. Every parent is different, so no two parents with children who are gay react the same way to their child coming out.

I am lucky enough to have parents that didn't try to disown me or try to turn me straight. When I told my parents, they struggled a wlittle with how to cope with my sexuality. They were okay with my being gay, or at least my mom was. But my dad was a bit confused, and asked me if I knew myself well enough to really know that I am gay. He's still struggling, and is in hiding at the moment as he figures out how he personally will cope with having a gay daughter. But my mom was very accepting of my coming out, and very supportive. In fact she began getting together with people who also hae a child who is gay.

If your parents hate your guts for being gay, think of it this way--they don't realize that this is something that you cannot control. Don't give up on life just because your parents don't accept you because of your sexuality. Remember that it does get better. Stick around long enough to see all the good things that will come in time.

Why don't I fit in?

So you don't feel like you fit in? Don't sweat it. At some point in our lives we all feel like we don't fit in for one reason or another. Chances are that if you are gay, you felt like you didn't fit in at some point in your life. Maybe you're feeling like you don't fit in now because of your sexuality. And that's perfectly normal and perfectly fine.

For me I began feeling different at quite a young age. Once again it seemed to begin in fifth grade. (What is it with me and fifth grade?) In fifth grade I began taking a medication for A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder) twice a day-once during the school day-doesn't make you feel very normal. I didn't feel like I fit in because of that. I didn't feel like I fit in because I was feeling something for girls, including for my teacher (Mrs. N for our purposes. Nobody else I knew seemed to be having any feelings similar to what I was feeling.

From what I could tell, the other girls in my class were feeling what I was feeling towards the guys. It didn't make sense to me. I thought it was a phase. I thought that the rest of my classmates would feel what I was at some point, and then would go back towards liking the guys. And I thought that eventually I would find myself feeling what I was feeling towards girls towards the guys at some point. Of course I would later feel like I didn't fit in with my classmates because of my sexuality. I felt like I had done something for such a long time because I was attracted to women. During my second semester of college, that feeling of not feeling like I fit in disappeared completely and rather quickly. I had an instructor during the winter 2007 semester (Called PG here) who was an amazing teacher. But that wasn't all. PG came out to us and told us that she is gay. That was a turning point for me. Hearing her story meant that I finally realized that even though I didn't always feel like I fit in, that when I found the people that I was supposed to spend my life around I would feel like I fit in. I suddenly had a role model thanks to PG coming out to my class.

I haven't done a very good job of keeping in contact with PG. I wish I had done a better job of keeping in contact with her because of how much she changed my life. I hope that someday every gay, lesbian, and queer person has a role model like PG who can share their story, and give everyone that is struggling with their sexualtiy hope for their life.

When did the feelings begin?

It's 10:35 pm here, and I'm sitting in my room listening to Chopin's piano concerto's number one and two as I write this, although I have this post to be set tomarrow at noon. After all, I spend my Friday's chasing first graders around a local elementary school. I should really be getting to sleep so that I can get up early tomarrow for a long day of chasing six and seven year olds around a classroom. But I am more interusted in getting this post written at the moment.

Read the title of this post. Have an idea what I'm blogging about today? I bet you do.

But first I thought that I should introduce myself to you. I'm a gay twenty-two-year-old young woman from small town mid-Michigan. I am fairly musical, and am looking for a job, which can be hard in today's economic climnate. If you've ever been at Dow Diamond (home of the great lakes loons) during the 2008, 2009, or 2010 season, it's possible that you've seen me working in food service. You also might have seen me around if you happened to visit Dow Gardens between August 2006 and August 2007 when I worked there. Enough of that. Moving on to the topic for this post.

When did the feelings begin? I don't really remember when I first started feel attracted to women. If I had to hazard a guess at when I started feeling attracted to women, I would have to say that I noticed it in fifth grade. But at that age, I didn't really have words for what I was feeling. If you were to ask the fifth grade me, I would have said that I looked up to my fifth grade teacher. But looking back, I can now say that I did look up to my fifth grade teacher, and that I was also attracted to her. Did I mention I hadn't seen my fifth grade teacher since I was in seventh or eigth grade until the spring of 2007, and she recognized me? She was one of those people that I find myself constatly finding myself attracted too. Maybe it's something with fifth grade teachers. More on the fifth grade teachers thing in a later post.

The next time I can remember being attracted to anouther woman was in seventh grade. And by that point I would have been able to tell you that I knew I was different for some reason, yet I couldn't find the word to describe it. In seventh grade I was attracted to my science and English teachers. Throught the rest of middle school and high school I was waging a constant battle with myself. Should I follow my feelings for other women, or should I fake my way through life? There were teachers and classmates I found myself falling for.

In short, I began feeling my attraction towards women in fifth grade, possibly earlier.