Return from the land of e-mail

Once again I have neglected my blog. :-(

This time I have a good reason, and some great stories to tell.

Did I mention that I am busy with a new "job"? I guess not. So here we go.

Early last month I began the process of putting together the cast and crew of my first full length feature film. The film is about a young woman who is a Lesbian, and her relationships. And it sure has been an adventure now that I am a month into the process. I am still in the process of casting, and have a couple more people to audition.

Quite some time ago I saw the film titled"Loving Annabelle" for the first time. And I must say that it was one of those films that you just don't forget. In a way it reminded me of my senior year, when I found myself attracted to one of my teachers, and didn't act on it. Shortly after watching "Loving Annabelle" I watched "The Gymnast". Both movies were well done. And the thing I remember after watching both films (besides how eaisly I connected with the stories and characters), was how well they were filmed-how beautiful so many of the shots were.

Maybe those movies changed me more that I originally thought that did. Having seen them, I finally realized that there was a place for films about gays and lesbians.

And so the process began for me in early May. And now, just over a month in, I have found myself overwealmed by the fact that this is really happening, and that now I am finishing up auditions and now am beginning to make decisions on who to cast for which roles.

Did I mention that I have found so much talent in Michigan, especially the children that have auditioned?

Beyond the chaos that my life has become, I've found myself so appretiative of other gays and lesbians that have influenced me. I don't know if I would be out today if I didn't know that other people had gone through the process of coming out before me. I don't know where I would be if I didn't know that my Mom has a cousin that is gay.

And so now I am returning to the land of e-mails, phone calls, auditions, and making decisions on who to cast and who not to cast.

Appretiation for those who...

Beyond the chaos that my life has become, I've found myself so appretiative of other gays and lesbians that have influenced me. I don't know if I would be out today if I didn't know that other people had gone through the process of coming out before me. I don't know where I would be if I didn't know that my Mom has a cousin that is gay.

Someone had to be the first to come out. And whoever was the first person to ever stand up and say those two simple words ("I'm gay") was brave enough to stand up for what they were/are.

Where would be today if it wasn't for Ellen saying those two simple words on TV?

What if My great uncle never had children?

What if my mom's cousin never came out?

What if I never heard about this person that is my mom's cousin and who is gay and in a committed relationship?

What if I had decided that my sexuality didn't matter?

What if I never came out?

What if I didn't start this blog?

Video--Chely Wright's coming out story

Video-Portia

Jill Bennett

Cathy DeBuno

Film production

I am not just a lesbian blogger. I am also a writer, and a film maker. And the film maker in me is coming here to get the help I need to begin production of a film that is about a lesbian.

I recently came across a script that captured my attention. After having read it, I realized that this would be a great script to film. And so I am coming to this audience, knowing that people that read this are likley to be gay, lesbian, or supporters of gays and lesbians. This script has a strong lesbian theme to it, and shows how normal lesbian life is.

The whole premise is that there is a young woman who is a lesbian, and adopted, and her journey to find her place in the world. It truly is a coming of age story.

If you would like to know more about this project, this is the paragraph you need to read. If you want to know more about the script, plot, or production, e-mail me at Homethemove@ymail.com
with your questions, and a subject line of more info. If you want to participate in this project as an actor e-mail me at Homethemove@ymail.com with the subject line of actor, attach your resume and photo. If you want to sink some money into this project so it can be done, go to http://www.indiegogo.com/Homethemovie

Video-coming out

It's hard

First memories of knowing you are gay/lesbian

Sorry that I've been out of sight and not posting for so long! I've pretty busy with Lent, handbell rehersals, Easter, working in my church's nursery, trying to find a full time job, and writing a script for script frenzy (www.scriptfrenzy.org). But I'm back to post!

Everyone has their first memories of when they first realized/knew that they are gay/lesbian. And for me that is no different. For me my first memory of knowing that I was different, and knowing that I am a lesbian were quite spread out. In fifth grade I remember thinking that my teacher was beautiful, and that I was feeling so different from my peers. And after that I knew that I was different from my peers, but really didn't have a good way to descibe why I was so different. Throughout middle school and high school, I didn't really like the words gay, lesbian, and homosexual, even though I knew (in the back of my head) that that's what I was and am, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

Later on in my life, while I was working at Dow Gardens, I realized that nothing had changed. I realized that this was who I am. I realized that I had grown up. I realized that I had come to accept myself as a gay; as a lesbian.

You're out; She's not

You might have a guess of what I want to adress in this post by the title. Today's topic is how do you deal with a relationship where you are out and your partner is not out. I've never personally experienced this. But I've heard about it happening. And it also seemed like something that many people might deal with at some point in their lives. I might not be in a relationship at the moment, and I have never been in a relationship. So why should I adress an issue I have never had to personally deal with? Because I know people who have to deal with this exact situation. So here we go... If you are the person who is out--don't push the person in the relationship who isn't out to come out when they aren't ready to be out yet. Think of what it would be like if you were in their shoes when you weren't out yet. It isn't easy to come out for anyone. And to be in a relationship when most people don't even know that you are gay or lesbian has to be hard. So think of how you would want to handle the situation if you were in their shoes. If you are the person who isn't out--don't come out to the world just because the person you are with is telling you to come out. Only come out when YOU are personally ready to come out.

Religion (It's been a while)

I know it's been a while since I've posted here. But that's what happens when your life becomes hectic. And so now I'm back, and hoping to write posts more regularly. I know I've posted about being gay and religious before. But I realize that being gay and believing in a God isn't exactly easy to make happen. And for me it wasn't easy to combine the two.

Back in middle school, when I was becoming more aware of the fact that I was different from my friends and classmates, I went through a phase where I didn't really believe in a God. And that was after having a strong belief that there was a God in elementary school. I know that middle school is a tough age for many of us. For me it was particularly hard. Dealing with feeling so different wasn't easy. I can remember thinking that there wasn't a God during sixth grade, seventh grade, and most of eighth grade. The summer between seventh grade and eigth grade I spent a week of my life at confirmation camp. At that point I was at my all time low point with my faith. And during that week nothing changed a whole lot for me. I noticed how many of the people that worked the camp seemed to have this strong faith. And I couldn't understand how their faith was strong. I had a long way to go before my faith was anywhere near as strong as the staff's faith was.

The next summer, I got the chance to go back to confirmation camp, and decided to go again. I had seen the strengh of the faith of the staff at the camp. I wanted to understand how and why their faith had become so strong. I didn't know what to believe. And that second time at camp made a difference in my life. I found a sliver of faith that week at confirmation camp after eighth grade. My belief that there was a God out there grew a little. But I still wasn't sure if I had a connection with the God that I now (after that second week at confirmation camp) believed in.

Since then I've been through so much. And I've found that my faith has grown slowley. And as it's grown, I've come to realize that even though God might not speak to me in a booming voice, he has ways of communicating with me.

If you aren't religious, don't believe that there is a God, I'm noot one of those religious nuts who will tell you that you have to convert or else go to hell. I'm just one of those people who believes in God, who accepts people for who they are, and who accepts everyone for what they believe in.

Being out at school-coming out and being out

Being out at school can't be easy for anyone. I know it was something that I struggled with for quite some time. I questioned wether or not I should come out to my peers, or if I should keep my sexuality to myself for a long time while I was in high school and college.

There are people out there that are in school that will never accept you for who you are. It's sad that people can't accept their peers for their sexuality. But it's part of life. The best thing I can tell you about being out at school is surround yourself with people who care, and who accept you no matter what. If people at school begin to bully you because you are openly gay/lesbian, then go to a teacher, principle or counslor. Somebody in a position of authority at your school should be able to help you deal with bullies that bully you simply because of your sexuality.

Many times you can find at least one teacher or staff member at the school you go to who will be understanding and supportive, and who can help you so much. At the high school that I went to there was one particular teacher who students were sure was a lesbian. I wish that I had gone to her and found out, and told her that I am a lesbian. I think I might have found somebody who I would have gotten along with quite well, and who probobly would have been a huge supporter of me. But I never did go to that teacher. Instead I spent a lot of time around the band directors, and they were like parents to the band. Anytime I was having a bad day, the band directors were right there with me, willing to listen or just be there.

Find someone, anyone, at the school you go to that is supportive of gays and lesbians. Stay with them, and don't ever forget that there are other people out there that have gone through what you are going through, and have proven that life DOES get better.

Hang in there.

Work--being openly gay/lesbian

I know it's not easy to come out of the closet, especially to your coworkers. And not everyone that you work with is going to be accepting of the fact that you are gay/lesbian. So you really have to scope out what the company your work for says about being openly gay/lesbian. I do know that some places, like Dow, are very accepting of gays and lesbians being in the work force.

Being openly lesbian at work was something I struggled with for a good three years before I knew that it would be okay for me to be openly gay/lesbian at work. My first summer job was at Dow Gardens. That was where I struggled the most with my sexuality. It didn't help that I found myself attracted to some of my co-workers, and was nowhere near ready to come out to anyone when I worked there. And that forced me into this whole other world of not feeling very comfortable. Thankfully I have since gotten over the fear of coming out. The summer after working at Dow Gardens I worked for the local minor leauge baseball team in food service. I still wasn't out to anyone. But I was much more comfortable in my own skin. By the summer of 2010, when I was fully out, including with the minor leauge team that I had worked for the past two seasons, I went back to work for them. The cool thing was that no one interacted with me any differently. The only difference was that in the employee handbook there was a mention that they will and would not discriminate based on sexuality.

My point is, find out how your employeer feels about having employees that are openly gay/lesbian and go from there.

Is it a choice?

Is being gay or lesbian a choice? That is today's topic.

There are people that believe that people choose to be gay or lesbian. Some people believe that being gay or lesbian is a sin. There are people who believe that a person who is gay or lesbian can change and become straight. And there are people that believe some combination of the above. And whatever you believe in is fine with me. Believe what you want about gays and lesbians, but don't force your opinions on me.

We do not choose wether we are gay, lesbian, bi, or straight. It's just how we are born. I don't have absolute proof to prove that people are born with their sexuality. But I believe that we are born with a specific sexuality. I know that I wasn't born straight, and that I was born gay. I know people who were born straight that know for sure that they weren't born gay.

As a young child I was not fully aware of my sexuality. But as I've grown up, I've learned about myself and my sexuality. I learned that I wouldn't be like anyone else. I learned that my sexuality was different. But no matter how long I tried to deny myself of my feelings, they kept on coming back. And it was when they kept on coming back that I knew that I was gay, was a lesbian, and that I would never be able to change how I feel for other women.

"It's a phase"

"It's a phase"--this is so untrue. There are the people out there who litterally are experimenting, and grow out of it. But there are a lot of us who are NOT experimenting and are NOT going through a phase. It's okay if you say that it's a phase when someone really is going through a phase. But please please please don't say that it's a phase. I hate it when people say that I'm going through a phase.

It's hard to hear someone tell you what you are going to find yourself attracted to, especially when they aren't the ones who really know what you are attracted too. If you happen to be straight and a reading this, think of it this way. I could go up to any person who is straight and tell them that what they feel for people of the opposite sex is just a phase, you would say that I'm crazy for saying that. Well that's what it's like when someone says "It's a phase" to someone who is truley gay.

Here's a question I pose to those of you who are straight: how did you know you were straight? I have a feeling that you just knew that you were attracted to people of the opposite sex. That's the way it is for gays and lesbians. We just know that we are attracted to people of the same sex.

If you think that those of us who are gay or lesbian are just going through a phase, I'm sorry to break it too you, but we really are gay or lesbian.

How did I come out?

It seems like I've been asked this question a lot latly: how did you come out? So I thought I would address it here, and get it done and over with.

During October of 2008, I was ready to begin coming out to my friends and family. The problem was that I didn't want everyone to know right away. I wanted to come out to just a few people at first. I wasn't ready to tell everyone yet. But I wanted a few people to know. Since my closest friends and I were all over the place, and we rarly saw each other, I decided to send them an e-mail. I sent my four closest friends an e-mail telling them that I am gay. They were perfectly fine with my being gay, and that meant a lot to me simply because it meant that I had support from people that were close to me.

A year later, I was ready to come out to the rest of my friends and my family. On a Tuesday afternoon I decided to check my facebook, and I posted a status update wondering why some things are so hard. I was specifically thinking about how hard it is to find the right words to tell people that you are gay. Within a few minutes I had a response from a friend of mine from a friend of mine, which gave me the idea of how to come out to my friends and family all at once. I posted a status update that said something to the extent of: "Some things are hard so that we learn to overcome. It's time that I said it. I'm gay.". Moments later I had to log off the computer and head to class.

Since then coming out has gotten so much easier. In the last year and a half I've been standing in a line at the store, and a guy behind me asked me out, and I was able to tell him that I'm gay and that no, I don't want to date him. The more times you come out, the easier it gets, and the more confident you become in who you are.

It does get better. Just take your time. Don't expect to come out by a predetermined date. Just come out when YOU are ready, not when someone else is ready for you to do it.

Parents perspective--You're now in the closet

I know parents sometimes will find out that their child is gay/lesbian and go into hiding. And it makes complete sense why you go into hiding. As a parent, you want the best for your child. And now that you know something about your child that is so different from what you've always wanted and hoped for your child, you 've gone into hiding. Don't worry about having gone into hiding. It makes sense why you have. It always takes a long time before you are ready to come out to your friends as a parent of a child who is gay/lesbian.

Think of it this way. Your gay/lesbian child went into hiding after they realized that they were gay/lesbian. They spent a lot of time in that closet playing with those hangers, and trying to figure out how everything fit together to make sense. Your gay/lesbian child had a lot of questions they asked. And once they found the answers to their questions, everything began to make sense and come together. It isn't easy being in the cloest. But after spending some time in the closet, everything begins to make sense.

I literally spent about six to seven years of my life in the closet. And it wasn't the best six to seven years of my life. I was in late middle school/early high school when I went into the closet. My biggest issue was fear. I was scared of how my parents would react when I came out. I was scared of how my friends would react when I came out. I was really scared of the possiblity that nobody would be supportive. And that's something that I lived with for six or seven years. After a while I was no longer scared of the reaction of my friends or family. I had come to realize that no matter how the people around me reacted to my coming out, I would always be the same person I had always been.

Think of it this way: the only difference between now and before you knew your child is gay/lesbian is that you know what sex they are attracted to. Other than that they are the same exact person that they were before.

Don't give up on life just because you are gay/lesbian or because your child is. I know just how many questions you might have about it. But that doesn't mean that you should give up on life. Life will get better. I'm living proof. My life has gotten so much better.

Religion, song lyrics, and sexuality rolled all into one

Ubi Caritas et amor (Maurice Durufle)
Latin Text
Ubi caritas et amor, Debus ibi est.
Congregavit no in unum Christi amor.
Exultemus, et in ipso jucundemur.
Timeamus, et amemus Deum vivum.
Et ext corde diligamus nos sincero.
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Simul ergo cum in unum congreamur:
Cessent iurgia maligna, cessent lites.
Et in medio nostri sit Christus Deus.
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Simul quoque cum beatis videamus,
Glorianter vultum tuum, Christe Deus:
Gaudium quod est immensum, atque
probum, Saecula per infinita saeculorum.
Amen
English Translation:
Where charity and love are, God is there.
Christ's love has gathered us into one. Let us rejoice and be pleased in Him. Let us fear, and let us love the living God.
And may we love each other with a sincere heart.
Where charity and love are, God is there. As we are gathered into one body,
Beware, lest we be divided in mind.
Let evil impulses stop, let controversy cease,
And may Christ our God be in our midst.
Where Charity and love are, God is there.
And may we with the saints also,
See Thy face in glory, O Christ our God:
The joy that is immense and good,
Unto the ages through infinate ages. Amen.

This song was sung at my church a couple of weeks ago by the adult vocal choir. It was aboslutly beautifully sung. But today I want to get into the lyrics of this song because it says something powerful that many Christians that don't think that being gay/lesbian is natural or normal, and/or think that being gay/lesbian is a sin. In the very first line of the song it says that where there is love, that God is there. So, where people love each other, God is there, and that must include gays/lesbians who are in love with each other. There's anouther line that says that "...may we love each other with a sincere heart.". That means everyone. Not just people you agree with. That includes people that you don't nessesarly agree with.

Prayer for Tomorrow
Dreansm we all have dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lord, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.
See our hands, what will they make, Lord?
See our feet, where will they run?
See our hears, who will they love, Lord?
See our lives, we've just begun!
Dreams, we all have dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lord, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.
In our eyes you see tomorrow.
On that day one thing we know:
There's a dream from one who loves us
That is greater than our own.
Dreams, we all have Dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lorrd, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.

We all have dreams that we want to come true. And many times we don't realize (those of us who are religious) how our dreams for our future mesh with what God wants for us. For me, one of my long time dreams has been to be able to marry the person I love with all of my heart. As a little kid, before I "knew" that I am gay, I imagined myself being happy with someone and getting married. Since then I've gone through so much. I've realized that I am gay. I doubted my faith in God. My faith grew again, and became stronger than it was when I was in middle school. And thanks to my faith, and several conversations I have had with other people who have a strong faith, I've come to realize that God made me this way.

Maybe you don't believe in God. Maybe you do. Maybe you think that God doesn't want people to be gay/lesbian. Maybe you think that God made us gay/lesbian for a reason. Whatever you believe/think, do it with conviction. If you believe in God: remember that he created each of us with a purpose, and lovingly, and wants us to love each other. If you don't believe in God: I'm not mad at you for not believing in God, but please understand that my faith has helped me survive the hard times when I felt like life would never get better because of my sexuality.

When someone asks...

When someone comes up to you and asks if you're gay/lesbian what do you do? Do you run the other way without saying anything? Do you say that you aren't? Or do you tell them that you are?

My suggestion is to do what feels the most natural to you. But don't just run away because someone asked. If you really don't want to tell them that your aren't, then just tell them that you don't want to talk about it. And if they keep asking, just walk away from them. I can understand if you say that you aren't simply because you aren't ready to be out. And sometimes you are able to tell them. Any reaction is reasonable in my mind.

Sometimes people will ask you and you aren't ready to let people know. And that's fine. But remember that many times people ask you if you are gay/lesbian because they care, and just want to know so that they can support you. Other times when someone asks you and you tell them that you aren't gay/lesbian because you aren't ready to be openly gay. And I've done that. I've done that with people up until the last year and a half or two years. And I told people that I wasn't ready to answer that question. And people have been so understanding when I've told them.

But there are times when you are able to tell someone that you are because you're ready. And I've had that happen too. One day I was standing in a line at Walgreens, and a guy behind me asked me to go out with him. And so I told him that I didn't, and that I was gay. I think it took him by surprise that I was so open about it.

So when someone asks, don't be afraid.