Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Why don't I fit in?

So you don't feel like you fit in? Don't sweat it. At some point in our lives we all feel like we don't fit in for one reason or another. Chances are that if you are gay, you felt like you didn't fit in at some point in your life. Maybe you're feeling like you don't fit in now because of your sexuality. And that's perfectly normal and perfectly fine.

For me I began feeling different at quite a young age. Once again it seemed to begin in fifth grade. (What is it with me and fifth grade?) In fifth grade I began taking a medication for A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder) twice a day-once during the school day-doesn't make you feel very normal. I didn't feel like I fit in because of that. I didn't feel like I fit in because I was feeling something for girls, including for my teacher (Mrs. N for our purposes. Nobody else I knew seemed to be having any feelings similar to what I was feeling.

From what I could tell, the other girls in my class were feeling what I was feeling towards the guys. It didn't make sense to me. I thought it was a phase. I thought that the rest of my classmates would feel what I was at some point, and then would go back towards liking the guys. And I thought that eventually I would find myself feeling what I was feeling towards girls towards the guys at some point. Of course I would later feel like I didn't fit in with my classmates because of my sexuality. I felt like I had done something for such a long time because I was attracted to women. During my second semester of college, that feeling of not feeling like I fit in disappeared completely and rather quickly. I had an instructor during the winter 2007 semester (Called PG here) who was an amazing teacher. But that wasn't all. PG came out to us and told us that she is gay. That was a turning point for me. Hearing her story meant that I finally realized that even though I didn't always feel like I fit in, that when I found the people that I was supposed to spend my life around I would feel like I fit in. I suddenly had a role model thanks to PG coming out to my class.

I haven't done a very good job of keeping in contact with PG. I wish I had done a better job of keeping in contact with her because of how much she changed my life. I hope that someday every gay, lesbian, and queer person has a role model like PG who can share their story, and give everyone that is struggling with their sexualtiy hope for their life.

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