Return from the land of e-mail

Once again I have neglected my blog. :-(

This time I have a good reason, and some great stories to tell.

Did I mention that I am busy with a new "job"? I guess not. So here we go.

Early last month I began the process of putting together the cast and crew of my first full length feature film. The film is about a young woman who is a Lesbian, and her relationships. And it sure has been an adventure now that I am a month into the process. I am still in the process of casting, and have a couple more people to audition.

Quite some time ago I saw the film titled"Loving Annabelle" for the first time. And I must say that it was one of those films that you just don't forget. In a way it reminded me of my senior year, when I found myself attracted to one of my teachers, and didn't act on it. Shortly after watching "Loving Annabelle" I watched "The Gymnast". Both movies were well done. And the thing I remember after watching both films (besides how eaisly I connected with the stories and characters), was how well they were filmed-how beautiful so many of the shots were.

Maybe those movies changed me more that I originally thought that did. Having seen them, I finally realized that there was a place for films about gays and lesbians.

And so the process began for me in early May. And now, just over a month in, I have found myself overwealmed by the fact that this is really happening, and that now I am finishing up auditions and now am beginning to make decisions on who to cast for which roles.

Did I mention that I have found so much talent in Michigan, especially the children that have auditioned?

Beyond the chaos that my life has become, I've found myself so appretiative of other gays and lesbians that have influenced me. I don't know if I would be out today if I didn't know that other people had gone through the process of coming out before me. I don't know where I would be if I didn't know that my Mom has a cousin that is gay.

And so now I am returning to the land of e-mails, phone calls, auditions, and making decisions on who to cast and who not to cast.

Appretiation for those who...

Beyond the chaos that my life has become, I've found myself so appretiative of other gays and lesbians that have influenced me. I don't know if I would be out today if I didn't know that other people had gone through the process of coming out before me. I don't know where I would be if I didn't know that my Mom has a cousin that is gay.

Someone had to be the first to come out. And whoever was the first person to ever stand up and say those two simple words ("I'm gay") was brave enough to stand up for what they were/are.

Where would be today if it wasn't for Ellen saying those two simple words on TV?

What if My great uncle never had children?

What if my mom's cousin never came out?

What if I never heard about this person that is my mom's cousin and who is gay and in a committed relationship?

What if I had decided that my sexuality didn't matter?

What if I never came out?

What if I didn't start this blog?

Video--Chely Wright's coming out story

Video-Portia

Jill Bennett

Cathy DeBuno

Film production

I am not just a lesbian blogger. I am also a writer, and a film maker. And the film maker in me is coming here to get the help I need to begin production of a film that is about a lesbian.

I recently came across a script that captured my attention. After having read it, I realized that this would be a great script to film. And so I am coming to this audience, knowing that people that read this are likley to be gay, lesbian, or supporters of gays and lesbians. This script has a strong lesbian theme to it, and shows how normal lesbian life is.

The whole premise is that there is a young woman who is a lesbian, and adopted, and her journey to find her place in the world. It truly is a coming of age story.

If you would like to know more about this project, this is the paragraph you need to read. If you want to know more about the script, plot, or production, e-mail me at Homethemove@ymail.com
with your questions, and a subject line of more info. If you want to participate in this project as an actor e-mail me at Homethemove@ymail.com with the subject line of actor, attach your resume and photo. If you want to sink some money into this project so it can be done, go to http://www.indiegogo.com/Homethemovie

Video-coming out

It's hard

First memories of knowing you are gay/lesbian

Sorry that I've been out of sight and not posting for so long! I've pretty busy with Lent, handbell rehersals, Easter, working in my church's nursery, trying to find a full time job, and writing a script for script frenzy (www.scriptfrenzy.org). But I'm back to post!

Everyone has their first memories of when they first realized/knew that they are gay/lesbian. And for me that is no different. For me my first memory of knowing that I was different, and knowing that I am a lesbian were quite spread out. In fifth grade I remember thinking that my teacher was beautiful, and that I was feeling so different from my peers. And after that I knew that I was different from my peers, but really didn't have a good way to descibe why I was so different. Throughout middle school and high school, I didn't really like the words gay, lesbian, and homosexual, even though I knew (in the back of my head) that that's what I was and am, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

Later on in my life, while I was working at Dow Gardens, I realized that nothing had changed. I realized that this was who I am. I realized that I had grown up. I realized that I had come to accept myself as a gay; as a lesbian.

You're out; She's not

You might have a guess of what I want to adress in this post by the title. Today's topic is how do you deal with a relationship where you are out and your partner is not out. I've never personally experienced this. But I've heard about it happening. And it also seemed like something that many people might deal with at some point in their lives. I might not be in a relationship at the moment, and I have never been in a relationship. So why should I adress an issue I have never had to personally deal with? Because I know people who have to deal with this exact situation. So here we go... If you are the person who is out--don't push the person in the relationship who isn't out to come out when they aren't ready to be out yet. Think of what it would be like if you were in their shoes when you weren't out yet. It isn't easy to come out for anyone. And to be in a relationship when most people don't even know that you are gay or lesbian has to be hard. So think of how you would want to handle the situation if you were in their shoes. If you are the person who isn't out--don't come out to the world just because the person you are with is telling you to come out. Only come out when YOU are personally ready to come out.

Religion (It's been a while)

I know it's been a while since I've posted here. But that's what happens when your life becomes hectic. And so now I'm back, and hoping to write posts more regularly. I know I've posted about being gay and religious before. But I realize that being gay and believing in a God isn't exactly easy to make happen. And for me it wasn't easy to combine the two.

Back in middle school, when I was becoming more aware of the fact that I was different from my friends and classmates, I went through a phase where I didn't really believe in a God. And that was after having a strong belief that there was a God in elementary school. I know that middle school is a tough age for many of us. For me it was particularly hard. Dealing with feeling so different wasn't easy. I can remember thinking that there wasn't a God during sixth grade, seventh grade, and most of eighth grade. The summer between seventh grade and eigth grade I spent a week of my life at confirmation camp. At that point I was at my all time low point with my faith. And during that week nothing changed a whole lot for me. I noticed how many of the people that worked the camp seemed to have this strong faith. And I couldn't understand how their faith was strong. I had a long way to go before my faith was anywhere near as strong as the staff's faith was.

The next summer, I got the chance to go back to confirmation camp, and decided to go again. I had seen the strengh of the faith of the staff at the camp. I wanted to understand how and why their faith had become so strong. I didn't know what to believe. And that second time at camp made a difference in my life. I found a sliver of faith that week at confirmation camp after eighth grade. My belief that there was a God out there grew a little. But I still wasn't sure if I had a connection with the God that I now (after that second week at confirmation camp) believed in.

Since then I've been through so much. And I've found that my faith has grown slowley. And as it's grown, I've come to realize that even though God might not speak to me in a booming voice, he has ways of communicating with me.

If you aren't religious, don't believe that there is a God, I'm noot one of those religious nuts who will tell you that you have to convert or else go to hell. I'm just one of those people who believes in God, who accepts people for who they are, and who accepts everyone for what they believe in.

Being out at school-coming out and being out

Being out at school can't be easy for anyone. I know it was something that I struggled with for quite some time. I questioned wether or not I should come out to my peers, or if I should keep my sexuality to myself for a long time while I was in high school and college.

There are people out there that are in school that will never accept you for who you are. It's sad that people can't accept their peers for their sexuality. But it's part of life. The best thing I can tell you about being out at school is surround yourself with people who care, and who accept you no matter what. If people at school begin to bully you because you are openly gay/lesbian, then go to a teacher, principle or counslor. Somebody in a position of authority at your school should be able to help you deal with bullies that bully you simply because of your sexuality.

Many times you can find at least one teacher or staff member at the school you go to who will be understanding and supportive, and who can help you so much. At the high school that I went to there was one particular teacher who students were sure was a lesbian. I wish that I had gone to her and found out, and told her that I am a lesbian. I think I might have found somebody who I would have gotten along with quite well, and who probobly would have been a huge supporter of me. But I never did go to that teacher. Instead I spent a lot of time around the band directors, and they were like parents to the band. Anytime I was having a bad day, the band directors were right there with me, willing to listen or just be there.

Find someone, anyone, at the school you go to that is supportive of gays and lesbians. Stay with them, and don't ever forget that there are other people out there that have gone through what you are going through, and have proven that life DOES get better.

Hang in there.

Work--being openly gay/lesbian

I know it's not easy to come out of the closet, especially to your coworkers. And not everyone that you work with is going to be accepting of the fact that you are gay/lesbian. So you really have to scope out what the company your work for says about being openly gay/lesbian. I do know that some places, like Dow, are very accepting of gays and lesbians being in the work force.

Being openly lesbian at work was something I struggled with for a good three years before I knew that it would be okay for me to be openly gay/lesbian at work. My first summer job was at Dow Gardens. That was where I struggled the most with my sexuality. It didn't help that I found myself attracted to some of my co-workers, and was nowhere near ready to come out to anyone when I worked there. And that forced me into this whole other world of not feeling very comfortable. Thankfully I have since gotten over the fear of coming out. The summer after working at Dow Gardens I worked for the local minor leauge baseball team in food service. I still wasn't out to anyone. But I was much more comfortable in my own skin. By the summer of 2010, when I was fully out, including with the minor leauge team that I had worked for the past two seasons, I went back to work for them. The cool thing was that no one interacted with me any differently. The only difference was that in the employee handbook there was a mention that they will and would not discriminate based on sexuality.

My point is, find out how your employeer feels about having employees that are openly gay/lesbian and go from there.

Is it a choice?

Is being gay or lesbian a choice? That is today's topic.

There are people that believe that people choose to be gay or lesbian. Some people believe that being gay or lesbian is a sin. There are people who believe that a person who is gay or lesbian can change and become straight. And there are people that believe some combination of the above. And whatever you believe in is fine with me. Believe what you want about gays and lesbians, but don't force your opinions on me.

We do not choose wether we are gay, lesbian, bi, or straight. It's just how we are born. I don't have absolute proof to prove that people are born with their sexuality. But I believe that we are born with a specific sexuality. I know that I wasn't born straight, and that I was born gay. I know people who were born straight that know for sure that they weren't born gay.

As a young child I was not fully aware of my sexuality. But as I've grown up, I've learned about myself and my sexuality. I learned that I wouldn't be like anyone else. I learned that my sexuality was different. But no matter how long I tried to deny myself of my feelings, they kept on coming back. And it was when they kept on coming back that I knew that I was gay, was a lesbian, and that I would never be able to change how I feel for other women.

"It's a phase"

"It's a phase"--this is so untrue. There are the people out there who litterally are experimenting, and grow out of it. But there are a lot of us who are NOT experimenting and are NOT going through a phase. It's okay if you say that it's a phase when someone really is going through a phase. But please please please don't say that it's a phase. I hate it when people say that I'm going through a phase.

It's hard to hear someone tell you what you are going to find yourself attracted to, especially when they aren't the ones who really know what you are attracted too. If you happen to be straight and a reading this, think of it this way. I could go up to any person who is straight and tell them that what they feel for people of the opposite sex is just a phase, you would say that I'm crazy for saying that. Well that's what it's like when someone says "It's a phase" to someone who is truley gay.

Here's a question I pose to those of you who are straight: how did you know you were straight? I have a feeling that you just knew that you were attracted to people of the opposite sex. That's the way it is for gays and lesbians. We just know that we are attracted to people of the same sex.

If you think that those of us who are gay or lesbian are just going through a phase, I'm sorry to break it too you, but we really are gay or lesbian.

How did I come out?

It seems like I've been asked this question a lot latly: how did you come out? So I thought I would address it here, and get it done and over with.

During October of 2008, I was ready to begin coming out to my friends and family. The problem was that I didn't want everyone to know right away. I wanted to come out to just a few people at first. I wasn't ready to tell everyone yet. But I wanted a few people to know. Since my closest friends and I were all over the place, and we rarly saw each other, I decided to send them an e-mail. I sent my four closest friends an e-mail telling them that I am gay. They were perfectly fine with my being gay, and that meant a lot to me simply because it meant that I had support from people that were close to me.

A year later, I was ready to come out to the rest of my friends and my family. On a Tuesday afternoon I decided to check my facebook, and I posted a status update wondering why some things are so hard. I was specifically thinking about how hard it is to find the right words to tell people that you are gay. Within a few minutes I had a response from a friend of mine from a friend of mine, which gave me the idea of how to come out to my friends and family all at once. I posted a status update that said something to the extent of: "Some things are hard so that we learn to overcome. It's time that I said it. I'm gay.". Moments later I had to log off the computer and head to class.

Since then coming out has gotten so much easier. In the last year and a half I've been standing in a line at the store, and a guy behind me asked me out, and I was able to tell him that I'm gay and that no, I don't want to date him. The more times you come out, the easier it gets, and the more confident you become in who you are.

It does get better. Just take your time. Don't expect to come out by a predetermined date. Just come out when YOU are ready, not when someone else is ready for you to do it.

Parents perspective--You're now in the closet

I know parents sometimes will find out that their child is gay/lesbian and go into hiding. And it makes complete sense why you go into hiding. As a parent, you want the best for your child. And now that you know something about your child that is so different from what you've always wanted and hoped for your child, you 've gone into hiding. Don't worry about having gone into hiding. It makes sense why you have. It always takes a long time before you are ready to come out to your friends as a parent of a child who is gay/lesbian.

Think of it this way. Your gay/lesbian child went into hiding after they realized that they were gay/lesbian. They spent a lot of time in that closet playing with those hangers, and trying to figure out how everything fit together to make sense. Your gay/lesbian child had a lot of questions they asked. And once they found the answers to their questions, everything began to make sense and come together. It isn't easy being in the cloest. But after spending some time in the closet, everything begins to make sense.

I literally spent about six to seven years of my life in the closet. And it wasn't the best six to seven years of my life. I was in late middle school/early high school when I went into the closet. My biggest issue was fear. I was scared of how my parents would react when I came out. I was scared of how my friends would react when I came out. I was really scared of the possiblity that nobody would be supportive. And that's something that I lived with for six or seven years. After a while I was no longer scared of the reaction of my friends or family. I had come to realize that no matter how the people around me reacted to my coming out, I would always be the same person I had always been.

Think of it this way: the only difference between now and before you knew your child is gay/lesbian is that you know what sex they are attracted to. Other than that they are the same exact person that they were before.

Don't give up on life just because you are gay/lesbian or because your child is. I know just how many questions you might have about it. But that doesn't mean that you should give up on life. Life will get better. I'm living proof. My life has gotten so much better.

Religion, song lyrics, and sexuality rolled all into one

Ubi Caritas et amor (Maurice Durufle)
Latin Text
Ubi caritas et amor, Debus ibi est.
Congregavit no in unum Christi amor.
Exultemus, et in ipso jucundemur.
Timeamus, et amemus Deum vivum.
Et ext corde diligamus nos sincero.
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Simul ergo cum in unum congreamur:
Cessent iurgia maligna, cessent lites.
Et in medio nostri sit Christus Deus.
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Simul quoque cum beatis videamus,
Glorianter vultum tuum, Christe Deus:
Gaudium quod est immensum, atque
probum, Saecula per infinita saeculorum.
Amen
English Translation:
Where charity and love are, God is there.
Christ's love has gathered us into one. Let us rejoice and be pleased in Him. Let us fear, and let us love the living God.
And may we love each other with a sincere heart.
Where charity and love are, God is there. As we are gathered into one body,
Beware, lest we be divided in mind.
Let evil impulses stop, let controversy cease,
And may Christ our God be in our midst.
Where Charity and love are, God is there.
And may we with the saints also,
See Thy face in glory, O Christ our God:
The joy that is immense and good,
Unto the ages through infinate ages. Amen.

This song was sung at my church a couple of weeks ago by the adult vocal choir. It was aboslutly beautifully sung. But today I want to get into the lyrics of this song because it says something powerful that many Christians that don't think that being gay/lesbian is natural or normal, and/or think that being gay/lesbian is a sin. In the very first line of the song it says that where there is love, that God is there. So, where people love each other, God is there, and that must include gays/lesbians who are in love with each other. There's anouther line that says that "...may we love each other with a sincere heart.". That means everyone. Not just people you agree with. That includes people that you don't nessesarly agree with.

Prayer for Tomorrow
Dreansm we all have dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lord, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.
See our hands, what will they make, Lord?
See our feet, where will they run?
See our hears, who will they love, Lord?
See our lives, we've just begun!
Dreams, we all have dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lord, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.
In our eyes you see tomorrow.
On that day one thing we know:
There's a dream from one who loves us
That is greater than our own.
Dreams, we all have Dreams,
What we can be, what we can do.
Lorrd, with all we are,
We pray that our dreams will lead us,
Will lead us to you.

We all have dreams that we want to come true. And many times we don't realize (those of us who are religious) how our dreams for our future mesh with what God wants for us. For me, one of my long time dreams has been to be able to marry the person I love with all of my heart. As a little kid, before I "knew" that I am gay, I imagined myself being happy with someone and getting married. Since then I've gone through so much. I've realized that I am gay. I doubted my faith in God. My faith grew again, and became stronger than it was when I was in middle school. And thanks to my faith, and several conversations I have had with other people who have a strong faith, I've come to realize that God made me this way.

Maybe you don't believe in God. Maybe you do. Maybe you think that God doesn't want people to be gay/lesbian. Maybe you think that God made us gay/lesbian for a reason. Whatever you believe/think, do it with conviction. If you believe in God: remember that he created each of us with a purpose, and lovingly, and wants us to love each other. If you don't believe in God: I'm not mad at you for not believing in God, but please understand that my faith has helped me survive the hard times when I felt like life would never get better because of my sexuality.

When someone asks...

When someone comes up to you and asks if you're gay/lesbian what do you do? Do you run the other way without saying anything? Do you say that you aren't? Or do you tell them that you are?

My suggestion is to do what feels the most natural to you. But don't just run away because someone asked. If you really don't want to tell them that your aren't, then just tell them that you don't want to talk about it. And if they keep asking, just walk away from them. I can understand if you say that you aren't simply because you aren't ready to be out. And sometimes you are able to tell them. Any reaction is reasonable in my mind.

Sometimes people will ask you and you aren't ready to let people know. And that's fine. But remember that many times people ask you if you are gay/lesbian because they care, and just want to know so that they can support you. Other times when someone asks you and you tell them that you aren't gay/lesbian because you aren't ready to be openly gay. And I've done that. I've done that with people up until the last year and a half or two years. And I told people that I wasn't ready to answer that question. And people have been so understanding when I've told them.

But there are times when you are able to tell someone that you are because you're ready. And I've had that happen too. One day I was standing in a line at Walgreens, and a guy behind me asked me to go out with him. And so I told him that I didn't, and that I was gay. I think it took him by surprise that I was so open about it.

So when someone asks, don't be afraid.

Parental perspective--Why did my child take so long to tell me?

Sometimes when we, the gays and lesbians of the world, come out to our parents, they ask why it took us so long to come out to them. Why do we take so long to tell our parents? Is there a reason we don't tell them the moment we know that we're gay?

There is a reason why we take so long to tell our parents. There is a reason why we don't tell them the moment that we realize that we are gay. When we first know that we are gay, it takes us a long time before we are ready to tell anyone. The biggest thing that we have to deal with when we realize that we are gay is our own feelings about who we are, and how we think our families will react. So, quite often we wait to tell our families until we are sure that we can survive on our own if our parents decide to kick us out of the house.

For parents who are accepting of their child being gay or lesbian, asking this question is a way of them saying why didn't you tell me so that we could support you and get you help as needed. Other parents will ask their child why they didn't say something earlier because they want to attempt to fix their child. And yet other parents will ask this question because they would have liked to kick their gay/lesbian child out earlier. Parents come in all range of reactions to your coming out.

Parents: You need to understand that we don't come out right away because we are trying to make sense of ourselves, and trying to find the right way to come out to our family and friends. You also need to understand that as a gay/lesbian, we didn't choose to be this way, and that we also need support from you.

Accepting yourself

Learning to accept yourself after you realize that you're gay can be rather hard. I know of people who tried anything and everything in their powers to turn themselves straight. Other people hate themselves so much that they want to end it. And yet others are okay with their sexuality, but when they get bullied they want to end it because they just want to be accepted by others. And some people hide in the closet for a period of time, and when they emerge they are fully confident in themselves. Accepting yourself and your sexuality might take a while. It might take you years before you accept yourself and your sexualtiy. Don't be afraid to hide in the closet. Don't be afraid to be proud of yourself. Learn to be yourself, and accept yourself for who you are.

It took me about five years from the time that I really accepted the fact that I was gay and that nothing was going to change it and the time that I fully accepted myself for who I am and my sexuality. Those five years were some of the toughest years of my life, but I survived, and I know anyone else that is in late middle school and high school who is gay and isn't out yet will survive too if you want it enough, and realize that things do get so much better. At first I didn't accept myself because I didn't want to be different--I wanted to date guys like my friends were early in high school. I didn't want to be attracted to girls. But at the same time I knew that there was nothing I could do to change my sexuality. So I was in a rather tight space in my closet. It wasn't fun being so different. But eventually I found myself pround of my difference from my peers. It gave me a strength that I never realized I had. I realized that the fact that I had survived high school as a gay young woman meant that I could be a role model for gay youth. I realized it meant that I wanted to live my life to it's fullest, and that I didn't want to end my life prematurly. It's thanks to my differences that I am the unique person that I am today.

I may not be in a relationship at the moment. But that's okay. Being in a relationship doesn't make me who I am--it's only a small peice of what I see in my future. But I am out. And I am proud of who I am. And nobody can take who I am away from me and tell me that I cannot and should not be who I am because of something that someone believes. What matters is what I believe, and the fact that I believe that I am someone that will eventually be in a realationship, and that someday I will have children and a job.

Parents--learning to cope

There are the parents that take a while to accept us, their children, as gay or lesbian. But after some time to figure out how they should handle the situation of having a child that is gay, they accept you for who you are. For parents it isn't nessesarly easy to deal with a child who is so different from themselves.

Sometimes parents take a while to come around and accept you and your sexuality because they don't realize that they didn't do anything to cause you to be gay or lesbian. You must be understanding to how your parents are dealing with your coming out because they did raise you, and deserve to be apart of your life. The best way I can think of to describe how parents learn to cope with our coming out as gay is that our parents disapear into the closet as we come out of the closet. In essence our parents need the chance to do something similar to what we had to do before we came out.

Prental Reaction

Every parent who finds out that their son or daughter is gay reacts differently. Some parents will disown their gay child because of their belief that being gay is wrong. Some parents will try to turn you straight. Some parents will attempt to convince themselves that their child being gay is just a phase. And some parents will go into hiding for a period of time, and when they emerge from hiding they are pround of their gay child. And yet other parents are accepting and proud of their gay child the moment they find out. Every parent is different, so no two parents with children who are gay react the same way to their child coming out.

I am lucky enough to have parents that didn't try to disown me or try to turn me straight. When I told my parents, they struggled a wlittle with how to cope with my sexuality. They were okay with my being gay, or at least my mom was. But my dad was a bit confused, and asked me if I knew myself well enough to really know that I am gay. He's still struggling, and is in hiding at the moment as he figures out how he personally will cope with having a gay daughter. But my mom was very accepting of my coming out, and very supportive. In fact she began getting together with people who also hae a child who is gay.

If your parents hate your guts for being gay, think of it this way--they don't realize that this is something that you cannot control. Don't give up on life just because your parents don't accept you because of your sexuality. Remember that it does get better. Stick around long enough to see all the good things that will come in time.

Religion

Being gay or lesbian and religious don't seem to mesh for many. I've heard of people who are gay, and abandoned their faith because of their sexuality. And then there are those of us who are gay, and still believe in God. I'm one of those who has managed to merge their sexuality and faith.

Having read quite a bit of the bible, I have discovered nothing against gays and lesbians. I've found parts that say that prostitution is wrong But I haven't found anything that directly says that being gay is wrong. The bible says to love one anouther. The bible says to treat others as you want to be treated. The bible to says not to judge one anouther. I try to live by those three rules every day. I try to love everyone in my life. I try to treat others in the way I would like to be treated. I try not to judge others.

If you're religious, I understand if you don't agree with me. If you aren't religious, and you don't agree with me, I understand. That's not the point. The point is that merging you're sexuality and religion isn't easy. Some people manage to do it, and others don't. Find what you believe in, and stay with it. It isn't easy to merge being gay and religion, and I understand that.


If you're gay/lesbian, and are struggling know that it gets better. If you just need someone to listen, to answer your questions, to be there when no one else is, go to www.trevorproject.org or call or text me at 989-941-7385. There is so much hope for your future, and I don't want you to feel alone or take your own life because you feel so alone.

Are there others like me?

There are others like you out there, who are gay, lesbian, or queer. There are many gays and lesbians who are out there and are out, who are fully closeted, and who are partially closeted. And chances are that you know one of them, or one of your friends knows one of them. Most of my life I never realized I knew one personally, and that I was related to another. Amazingly enough the one I know personally was someone I spent a lot of time with during middle school and high school thanks to a series of classes we both took, and school activities we both were involved with. I didn't go looking for gays and lesbians for a long time simply because of how scared I was of what might happen to me if I was seen with gays and lesbians, and was scared that people would find me out and hurt me. But when I began coming out, I started keeping my eyes out for them, and began to seek them out. One group I found quickly is called The Beaver Bunch and can be found on YouTube I highly suggest looking them up on YouTube. They are doing amazing things for gays and lesbian. Having a group like The Beaver Bunch so access able to so many is such a gift. They have provided answers to so many questions and provide a great and very positive resource to gays and lesbians. Look for your local GLSEN or PFLAG group. They can provide so much support, and can help you find other people just like you.

Why don't I fit in?

So you don't feel like you fit in? Don't sweat it. At some point in our lives we all feel like we don't fit in for one reason or another. Chances are that if you are gay, you felt like you didn't fit in at some point in your life. Maybe you're feeling like you don't fit in now because of your sexuality. And that's perfectly normal and perfectly fine.

For me I began feeling different at quite a young age. Once again it seemed to begin in fifth grade. (What is it with me and fifth grade?) In fifth grade I began taking a medication for A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder) twice a day-once during the school day-doesn't make you feel very normal. I didn't feel like I fit in because of that. I didn't feel like I fit in because I was feeling something for girls, including for my teacher (Mrs. N for our purposes. Nobody else I knew seemed to be having any feelings similar to what I was feeling.

From what I could tell, the other girls in my class were feeling what I was feeling towards the guys. It didn't make sense to me. I thought it was a phase. I thought that the rest of my classmates would feel what I was at some point, and then would go back towards liking the guys. And I thought that eventually I would find myself feeling what I was feeling towards girls towards the guys at some point. Of course I would later feel like I didn't fit in with my classmates because of my sexuality. I felt like I had done something for such a long time because I was attracted to women. During my second semester of college, that feeling of not feeling like I fit in disappeared completely and rather quickly. I had an instructor during the winter 2007 semester (Called PG here) who was an amazing teacher. But that wasn't all. PG came out to us and told us that she is gay. That was a turning point for me. Hearing her story meant that I finally realized that even though I didn't always feel like I fit in, that when I found the people that I was supposed to spend my life around I would feel like I fit in. I suddenly had a role model thanks to PG coming out to my class.

I haven't done a very good job of keeping in contact with PG. I wish I had done a better job of keeping in contact with her because of how much she changed my life. I hope that someday every gay, lesbian, and queer person has a role model like PG who can share their story, and give everyone that is struggling with their sexualtiy hope for their life.

Homophobia

There are people out there who are homophobic-who don't like gays and lesbians a single bit. What I've found is that many of these people are ignorant. They-the homophobes-are ignorant about why and how we came to be gay or lesbian. Many tiomes people who are homophobic believe that we choose to be gay, not realizing that we were born this way and that we cannot control our attraction towards people of the same sex. They don't realize that we can't just pray the gay away. They tell us we should burn in hell for our sexuality. I don't have all the answers for what people who are homophobic say. But I deal with it when I encounter it.

I offer anybody who is homophobic to sit down with me so that we can talk about being gay. I tell them that I didn't choose to be this way. I tell them that God tells us to love one anouther. I tell them that God tells us not to judge one anouther. I tell people that are homophobic that I believe that God created me gay for a reason, and that reason will make sense in the end. I tell them to believe what they want, but not to take my rights away because you think I am wrong.

People who are homophobic seem to be scared of what they cannot understand or cannot explain. Aren't we all scared of what we do not understand or cannot explain?

Denial

Today's topic is...denial.

Quite often we find ourselves in denial when we first realize that we're gay. We find ourselves saying "Not me. This can't be happening to me." We don't want to admit that we're different. We don't want to be different. So we deny that we are gay. We pretend to be something, somebody, we are not. And it's hard. We don't want to be this way. But the feelings we keep on surfacing. We keep denying what we feel because we don't want to be different--we want to be normal. We hate being different. So you deny yourself the chance to feel the feelings that are normal for you. You do everything in your power to deny who you are, that you are gay.

Being gay isn't something you can control. Being gay is just who you are. STOP denying your feelings, and allow yourself to be who you are. Just allow yourself to be who your are by nature. Just allow yourself to be. Life gets better. I KNOW. I'm living proof.

I was just like you. I denied my feelings for women for many years. I told myself that I can't be gay. But I eventually learned how to not deny my feelings for women. I learned to come out. I learned how hard life can be. I learned that life does get easier. I learned that the people who really matter are the ones who stick with you, even after you tell them that you are gay. I have friends who are still some of my closest friends even after I came out. My parents still love me. My brother and I get along, and fight the way that most siblings do. The people that are meant to be apart of your life will understand and still be there with you after you come out.

Coming Out

Coming out isn't ever easy. Or at least it wasn't for me. And I'm sure that there are hundreds, if not thousands of people who are gay or lesbian who found it hard to come out. And that's today's topic--why coming out isn't always easy.

For me coming out wasn't easy at all. I had no idea how my family would react. I had no idea if my family would reject me. All I knew was how I felt, and the fact that I was most defiantly gay. Everyone I know who is gay came out to their friends and family differently. And for me coming out was something that took me a good year and a half to two years to do. I started off with messaging my closest friends via facebook to let them know that I am gay. I had no doubt that they would be accepting of me being gay. So they were the first people I told. In a way that was a way for me to get the support from people close to me who I knew could help me out if my parents decided to kick me out of the house when I told them (if I was still living with my parents when I came out). That was in 2008.

By late September 2009, I knew I was ready to come out to the rest of my friends, and too my family. My problem was that I wasn't sure how to come out to all the rest of my friends, to my parents, to my aunts and uncles, and to my cousins, until it hit me that I could use facebook to get ahold of the people I didn't see very often. The only thing left was to come up with the words. The words eventually came, and everyone knew that I am gay. The support that came from family and friends was amazing. Not a single person hated my guts!

I wouldn't suggest using social media to tell everyone that you are gay. I did tell my parents to their faces. The people that you are closest to are the ones you should probobly tell to their faces. Don't worry if you don't have the words to come out right away. It took me about three weeks to find the right words. For some people it might take longer to find the words, and for others it might take less time. What matters is finding the words, and being confindent that there is someone out there that loves you for who you are, and doesn't care about your sexuality.

When do people know?

When do people know that they are gay? That is the question of the day. And it is a question that doesn't have just one simple answer. It has many answers, and many of them aren't that simple. So here we go.

Being gay isn't something that we choose to be, and is something that many of us don't realize that we are right away. Everybody who is gay realized it at a different point in their life. And sometimes you know you're different but do not have a name for it right away. Quite often it's cofusing to try to make sense of. The realization that you are gay can happen at any time of life. For some people it happens at a young age. For others it happens when they are older.

Personally, I began noticing that I felt different than my peers in about fifth grade. For whatever reason I looked up to my fifth grade teacher. But that wasn't all. I had begun to notice these feelings towards her that I could not describe. I'm now sure my friends were beginning to feel some of these same feelings towards the guys in fifth grade while I was beginning to feel those same feelings towards women. At that age I didn't have the words to describe why I was different and what I was feeling towards my teacher. Those feelings continued throughout middle school, and into high school. By my freshman year of high school, I had realized that what I was was gay. But I didn't want to admit it just yet. I kept on telling myself that I couldn't be gay, and decided that I would force myself to like the guys I went to school with. But I very quickly discovered that this was something I could not change. There was a girl I was in band with, who also happened to play a brass instrument. For the sake of this blog, I'll call her L. L was a senior during my freshman year, and we went to the same church. One day, before school started L, several other band people, and I were hanging out in the band hall talking about whatever. I didn't realize it at the time, but the collar of my shirt was messed up. L reached over and fixed it for me. It was in that moment that L fixed my collar that I knew I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I was gay, and there was nothing I could do about it no matter how hard I tried. And so I began learning to cope, and came to accept myself as a lesbian during the spring of 2007.

Questions, answers, and being scared

"I'm searching for comfort, a place to call my own, I'm scared of where I'm heading, where will this fear subside, when will I find the answers to questions in my mind...." Scott Alan

When you know that you are gay/lesbian at a young age, it can be rather scary to think about coming out to anybody and everybody. Sometimes we question ourselves and if what we are feeling is a phase, or something that will last longer than a phase and is the real thing. Those of us who have been through the process of coming out know what it's like all too well. Being scared of what you are feeling is something that happens. Searching for the answers as to why you are feeling these things for people of the same sex is normal. Eventually the fear subsides, and you find the answers to the questions you have.

Being scared--
I wish that nobody had to feel scared about coming out to anyone and the reaction that would happen when you come out. But that's a fact of life. I know I experienced the fear of rejection by family and friends, and society. The fear you might be feeling about when people find out that you are gay is understandable. Not everyone is accepting of gays/lesbians. We all have a need to be accepted by others. But we also have to learn to accept ourselves for who we are. It might take years before you learn to accept yourself as gay or lesbian. But once you do, you begin to feel so much more confident.

All those questions--
We all have so many questions we want answered. Why am I gay/lesbian? Why me? Is this just a phase or something more? Those question's aren't easy to answer. And I don't even have all of the answers. I don't know why I am gay. But I know that I am gay for a reason, and that the reason will make sense when I get older. I know that because I went throught the process of coming out, and came out to my family and friends, I am stronger. Solving all those questions you have about your sexuality is somthing that happens over time. The longer you spend looking for your answers the more answers you'll find.

When did the feelings begin?

It's 10:35 pm here, and I'm sitting in my room listening to Chopin's piano concerto's number one and two as I write this, although I have this post to be set tomarrow at noon. After all, I spend my Friday's chasing first graders around a local elementary school. I should really be getting to sleep so that I can get up early tomarrow for a long day of chasing six and seven year olds around a classroom. But I am more interusted in getting this post written at the moment.

Read the title of this post. Have an idea what I'm blogging about today? I bet you do.

But first I thought that I should introduce myself to you. I'm a gay twenty-two-year-old young woman from small town mid-Michigan. I am fairly musical, and am looking for a job, which can be hard in today's economic climnate. If you've ever been at Dow Diamond (home of the great lakes loons) during the 2008, 2009, or 2010 season, it's possible that you've seen me working in food service. You also might have seen me around if you happened to visit Dow Gardens between August 2006 and August 2007 when I worked there. Enough of that. Moving on to the topic for this post.

When did the feelings begin? I don't really remember when I first started feel attracted to women. If I had to hazard a guess at when I started feeling attracted to women, I would have to say that I noticed it in fifth grade. But at that age, I didn't really have words for what I was feeling. If you were to ask the fifth grade me, I would have said that I looked up to my fifth grade teacher. But looking back, I can now say that I did look up to my fifth grade teacher, and that I was also attracted to her. Did I mention I hadn't seen my fifth grade teacher since I was in seventh or eigth grade until the spring of 2007, and she recognized me? She was one of those people that I find myself constatly finding myself attracted too. Maybe it's something with fifth grade teachers. More on the fifth grade teachers thing in a later post.

The next time I can remember being attracted to anouther woman was in seventh grade. And by that point I would have been able to tell you that I knew I was different for some reason, yet I couldn't find the word to describe it. In seventh grade I was attracted to my science and English teachers. Throught the rest of middle school and high school I was waging a constant battle with myself. Should I follow my feelings for other women, or should I fake my way through life? There were teachers and classmates I found myself falling for.

In short, I began feeling my attraction towards women in fifth grade, possibly earlier.

Coming Out Gay Aint Easy

Coming out aint easy. That's a fact, and one that I've proven to myself time and again. Early today I was working on updating my other blog, and when I went to see how my latest blog post looked, I decided that I wanted to do a full series of posts on coming out as gay/lesbian. And thus this blog was born.
I have plans for this blog. I am hoping to post here regularly, and post about the process of coming out, and being out in a world that doesn't always accept gays and lesbians. If anything I hope that this blog reaches someone that is struggling and gives them hope for their life and their future.
I am gay, and openly gay. So I will be able to write about my experiences being gay, the way I am percieved by people, and the issues that gays/lesbians deal with from the perspective of a person who deals with these things on a regular basis.